The Greatest Misfortune A Man Can Suffer

Pre Disclaimer; This article doesn't contain anything about God, so you can read it without fear of seeing anything LIKE blasphemy. Let me repeat this, you won't see ANYTHING like blasphemy in this article.

Disclaimer; When I wrote this article, I was a bit drunk. So if you read it and it makes no sense, blame it on the alcohol. Except, of course, if you read it and it makes sense. Then I was totally not drunk when I wrote it. Thanks. 

Post Disclaimer; I don't have a post disclaimer. Just writing this because it looks pretty neat to have a pre disclaimer and post disclaimer. I mean, how can you have a prologue and no epilogue?

Edited:

Oh, wait, there's a reason I chose to write a post disclaimer. This article isn't going where you think it's going. The last paragraph will shock you.

The second greatest misfortune that any man can suffer is the misfortune of an opinion. The greatest misfortune that any man can suffer is the misfortune of an unpopular opinion. 

There, that's something deep for you think about— even though it means absolutely nothing and is rather silly if one were to interrogate it with a sharp mind. But since most people do not have sharp minds, any fool can get away with any deep sounding nonsense. It is what it is, and the game is sadly, the game. 

So, what's this article about? Body shaming and why I think it's evil. I will outline the different stupid arguments against body shaming in this article, and I will destroy them. After which I'll now explain to you the real reason why you shouldn't body shame.

Wait, you thought it was going to be something deep? It's not your girlfriend's vagina— or your vagina, for what it's worth. Let no man— or woman, say I'm sexist.

I've never truly understood it. What exactly is body shaming? People say that it means criticising somebody because of how they look. Now, while I don't generally love criticism, I've learnt that it's one of those things you suck up. While the word may give some students (especially students of English, History, Philosophy, Sociology and other such liberal nonsense) exam PTSD because of its use in exams (remember questions like: attempt a literary criticism of XXX, criticize Hobbes theory of two men shagging in the yard (ati be lo))—

( I APOLOGISE FOR MY OVERUSE OF BRACKETS)

(You can critique it if you want)

— it does nothing for me. I've always been criticised. Just last week someone threatened me with fire and eternal damnation. Why? Just because I told her she wouldn't get Instagram in heaven. Sigh. 

But let's get back to what I was saying. Body shaming is criticising someone because of the way they look. And for some reason, a lot of people think that's some ignoble evil. And I'm just here thinking— well, you people criticise other people every day. So definitely, criticizing someone isn't the terrible evil that you say it is. 

What's the evil then?

Yes, the human body. For some reason, the human body is a temple that cannot be criticised. For some reason, if someone looks like a cross between a horse and . . . a horse? We shouldn't say it. For some reason, if your mama is so fat that people jog around her for exercise, we should not say it. Of course, there's a difference if the argument against body-shaming is one of decency. A decent person shouldn't say your mama is so fat she knew Burger King when he was just a prince.

 Now, this isn't to say that I love to body shame. I don't. I love to shame generally. I'm an equal opportunities asshole. It's a minor design flaw, don't blame me. 

But the argument of decency is, as you may have guessed, a stupid one. Appealing to the decent side of people is not only stupid, but it's also arbitrary since morality is very subjective. But we won't get into that right now. That sounds like the beginning of liberal nonsense. But you get my point. Appealing to a sense of decency is not the greatest way to tell people not to do something. 

There's another great, but deeply flawed argument, against body shaming. The "it's not your business" tag. Well, guess what? Humans have generally never achieved anything great by minding their business. Do you think Hitler was minding his business by invading Poland? Do you think our Supreme leader Buhari was minding his business when he mercifully helped us to stand for elections in 2019? Are you minding your business by reading this article written by someone who is almost certainly batshit crazy? No, so you should shut it. 

Some people think that body-shaming is terrible because it means you're criticizing someone over something they have entirely no control over. But even that is not entirely correct. Look at weight, for instance. No one is responsible for your weight but you. You may say that you look comfortable in it. . . but, c'mon dude. You're obese. You're more likely to die from Covid-19 than most people. Do you want to die young like agbalumo? I thought not. And also that's probably why you're a virgin. Your stomach is bigger than your breasts? Would you fuck you? I thought so, virgin. And also, you're a guy but can't see your penis? Even the pot belly woman wouldn't fuck you. But let's pretend that you're celibate tho. Let's pretend you're not a sad virgin. XoXo.

 However, it's somewhat true. There are aspects of your body you don't have control over. Like your face, for example. It's not your fault your face looks like the beaches of Normandy a day after D-day. It's not your fault you're as short as the average CGPA of tech students. It's not your fault your breasts are as small as the chances of History department producing a first class graduate this year. It's not your fault your ass literally reminds people of a blackboard— because not only is it black, it also looks like a board. It's not your fault that if you run into a wall with your penis erect, something will break, and it's your nose. 

 Why? Because you didn't make yourself. You didn't! And I understand. Why should you be criticised because of aspects of your body you have no control over? 

That's right. You shouldn't. Do you know who should, though? The one that made you. But we all know that we can't abuse God, right? RIGHT? 

(Even though it's technically his fault your hair looks like a nest of rats)

That's why I've come to the conclusion that not only is body shaming an ignoble evil, it's also blasphemy. Because God said we were created in his image— and abusing an image of God is probably the shittiest thing you can do. So next time that babe says your dick is small, look into her eyes and tell her that not only is she a fornicator, she's also abusing God's penis. And that's why body shaming is terrible. It's evil because it is ultimately rude— not to you, but to God. 

Of course, in the comments below, you'll find the reason why I said the greatest misfortune a man can suffer is the misfortune of an unpopular opinion.   

(Or Not?)