SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST

  The 3rd edition of the Sustainability Table Discourse is set to hold on the 26th of November 2020.  The virtual event would have in attendance, entrepreneurs, sustainable development experts, academia, policymakers to share perspectives on how best to achieve a green and digital economy. The discourse would focus on opportunities available to bring SDGs to scale through telecommunication investment and effective waste management. The theme of this year's edition is; "Bridging The Digital Divide: Leveraging Technology and Optimal Broadband Penetration to achieve the Sustainable Development Goals (SDGs)". Speaking with the Convener who doubles as the Principal Consultant of Avant-garde Innovation and Technology Services, “Our mission is to utilise this forum, the leading sustainability platform in Nigeria as a melting pot where learning and solution-driven dialogue meet. With the unprecedented coronavirus pandemic and civil unrest this year, we saw the lack of internet co...

Before I begin writing, let me warn you that this is not some funny essay. This is not funny. Depression is not funny. I mean DO NOT EXPECT TO LAUGH. If you want to laugh, go and read about feminists who want Meghan fucking Rapinoe to earn the same as Messi when she doesn't even have half the talent of Jesse bloody Lingard (and he's uniquely talentless). Don’t read this. This is an essay about a very sombre subject and as such I expect a very sombre attitude towards reading it. In fact, if you make any attempt to smile while reading this, you’re literally worse than Hitler. You get it? You're like LITERALLY like Hitler. And even worse, because even Hitler cared about Germany, or something.  Wait. Wait. I am sure you are thinking, wow that introduction was just tongue in cheek. He is actually writing something funny and wants us to laugh ha ha Lmao laughing my anxiety out. My tongue is outside my cheek please, it is not in any cheek kan kan. I trust that we are a...

Phobia simply refers to the fear of something and an aggravated form of that would be doing everything you can to keep it away. There are variations of phobia including : agoraphobia, claustrophobia etc. and these are all in relation to objects and inanimate stuff. Then, you have other ones like: Homophobia, Transphobia, Islamophobia and xenophobia. These ones deal with fear of a particular group of human beings so much so that you are driven to hurt them or do everything you can to keep them away and/or ostracize them. In this piece, I’ll be talking about homophobia and the extent of the word. Let me start by mentioning that homophobia is a real thing! I have listened to people narrate freaking horror stories about everything they go through because they seem to be attracted to people of the same sex and they can’t help it. Even more so, in my native country, “homosexual acts” have been criminalized and a violation of that attracts a jail term of 14 years. Any sign of homosexuality ma...

Before you start this, you must know two things. The first is that this article is quite long. Unnaturally so, perhaps. The second is that you not getting my jokes— which are always pristine by the way, is as a result of your failings, not mine. The third is that I don't really care if you're offended by my thoughts. And the fourth is that I'm not quite sure of how to count properly. A few weeks ago, while I was winning my 25th straight league title with Manchester United on the joke I call a computer playing the joke called Pes 2019, I got a sudden premonition. It wasn't the kind of premonitions you get the night before an exam— the sort of premonition that makes you quite certain you're going to bang the course, even though you've literally never had sex. It was an exciting kind. The kind you get when the class retard in your class stands up to say something you suspect is so ridiculously asinine that you would lose several brain cells just listening to it.  T...

In the end, flowers are fated to whither, rivers to dry and humans to die, the seemingly never e nding cycle of death and rebirth in reality ends for whoever dies or whatever withers and only begins for whatever or whomever is born. Philosophers will argue that in the grand scheme of things, the cycle never ends, but philosophers also say they know nothing and at this point, I agree with them. Before you think I am about to write something deep, kindly go back if you are not an anime fan, if you are, continue reading and when you're done, a thousand bijuudama multiplied by full counter if you do not share to fellow otaku's. You see, anime websites have been banned and the Nigerian Otaku universe is no longer in one piece. The Japanese government, in enforcing it's privacy laws has taken huge steps to protect one of the countries leading exports in terms of entertainment (anime.) While a lot of people see anime as childish, with the masses referring to it as cartoons, we the...

I like transpeople. There is a lot to learn from them. Only if you will pay more  attention to their insights and suspend the fights. These people did their homework quite well and did a good job of marking it themselves—-although if I have been given the privilege to be an examiner, I wouldn’t have scored them any lower.  Now, to the main issue, we’ve all been witnesses of their activism. And a lot of stupid people like me have ended up as unwilling but very fortunate victims of their very intelligent speeches. You see them display placards more often than they fly the American flag, not only warning us about the disadvantages of biological rigidity, but also drawing our attention to the looming danger of ecological collapse. We are asked to protect nature. They stress the need to preserve the health of the environment. They are so kind they are willing to sacrifice their own economic comforts for that, and wouldn’t such compassion for nature, for the planet, for th...

Hello, Hypocrite. Or better still, Hello, Nigerian Hypocrite. How do you do? You may be wondering why “ Nigerian hypocrite”. Trust me, it has nothing to do with your nationality. The thing is hypocrisy in Nigeria is different from hypocrisy in other nations.  The same way condoms come in flavors (which I think is an absolutely ridiculous concept because why does your penile organ need to taste like apples and pineapples? Who's eating it?), is the same way Nigeria has her own flavor/brand of hypocrisy.  Simply put, Nigerian hypocrisy is itself a hypocrite. It has many faces. Now according to the Sweet,SixteenAndSexy Dictionary (4 th edition) , a hypocrite is “someone whose actions are inconsistent with their claimed beliefs or assertions”. Having, gotten explanations and definitions out of the way, I put it to you that YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE. Think I’m lying? Let me show you. Imagine you have an uncle or aunty who works at the Federal Ministry of Education. After t...

“ Be hind every great fortune there is a great crime” – Balzac Before starting this article it should be noted that I disdain two things in the life on the online : fraud and Indian Clients   I do not have any association with yahoo boys of any sort other than the unfortunate fact that I know some because of the less than fortunate fact that I am Nigerian.  My hands are clean of any fraud— for lack of trying. My conversational skills are so poor I genuinely believe I would end up getting scammed by supposed “clientz”. So why write this? Well because I also similarly disdain hypocrisy of any sort and find that a hidden thief has no moral right to castigate a caught one. But alas, I am going ahead of myself. First, let me start in the beginning beningin.  Even if you have been living under a rock or Abeokuta, surely you must have heard of the Hushpuppi saga or Dapo Abiodun must have performed a scarily wondrous miracle indeed.  ...

Disclaimer I;  I'm a virgin. This may be embarrassing for some people, but unlike those people, I'm actually going to heaven. So, who's the winner? Me, of course. Not only am I virgin, but I have absolutely zero interest in sex. I would rather actually take a nap than entangle genitals with a woman. Boobs? I hate them with a passion. When I see them, I instantaneously vomit. If you think I'm lying, send a picture of your boobs to me and see if I won't vomit. C'mon, you can try me. But why am I saying all this? So that you can understand that I have absolutely no bias. I'm not for sex— in fact, the existence of the very act irks my poor soul. Therefore, you cannot accuse me of being mischievous with this article. Now that you're done reading the disclaimer (which you should take very seriously by the way), you can continue with the article. I'm so often mindless, but when I think, I try as much as I can to exhaust the abilities of my m...

          Today is a special occasion, and this right here is a special undertaking to commemorate it. This write up is pretty short and straight to the point. I'll be giving you a brief exposition on the concept of democracy, and why it'd be pretty sad for you to remain a member of the populace that adore s it.            Democracy is probably the most elaborate, manipulative, and esoteric concept ever birthed since religion. The government of the people, by the people, and for the people is a highly utopian mantra that might've seemed remotely attainable at its inception. The less appealing reality must've kicked in as spontaneously as the administrative El Dorado of democracy itself.           Over the course of history, democracy has been a refined plutocracy, with government policies usually tilted towards the interests of the ruling cabal, much similar to the much criticized aristocracy. The founders o...

This originally should not be a lengthy article. In fact, there should not be an article at all due to certain considerations, but well, here we are. Know this before you continue, I do not expect to echo your feelings, as a matter of fact, I would likely offend them and I do not care. I would not try to be politically correct, it’s such a puerile use of commonsense. However, in the event that you feel the need to express displeasure among such other things you may want to express, the comment section is rent-free. Knock yourself out. The fight for justice in matters of rape and sexual violence has been a long overdue struggle.  This menace has slugged on for so long it has festered and created a rot in the very pillars holding our society upright, that is chiefly, culture, education and religion. Thus, our already dysfunctional society which only recognizes crimes as crimes only when they directly affect us, which is why when they say Senator Lagbaja embezzles $20B, it is corru...

However, importing of foreign laws would be as ineffectual as trying extinguish dragon fire by singing to it. Let me remind you, a system is only as effective as the personnel administering it. While these would have been the case in a purely Islamic state, it is no news that there are no existing  Islamic state anywhere in the world. Do we have Muslim-run states? Yeah. Are they Islamic states run by pure Islamic legal cannons? Nope. Anybody who says otherwise is either an ignorant fool or a compulsive liar in need of comprehensive mental health rehabilitation.  When we discuss meting out the most commensurate punishments to perps of these dastardly acts, we need to open up to reality and see to how our Justice system can be strengthened and priorities are set right. We need to enact stricter laws, our law enforcement apparatus be redesigned to fight crimes and not aid it. We also need to shift concentration to responsible parenting, proactive sex education, re-assessment...

"Religion is the slavery of the mind." Trust me, I can see your faces. I can see the irritation on some, pity on others and confusion on most but the best expression I can see is the pride laced with cockiness on my face. I won't lie, I enjoyed every moment of writing this. You may not understand because it was beyond you. But it is what it is, I suppose. Before I continue, I would have you know that there are 3 classes of people reading this post; The hypocrites who will find issues with this post cus it’s not in line with their mentality. The ignorant fools under the guise of atheism. The cruisers who are just here to see what table is shaking. But one thing is for sure, even though we both know you can’t academically, you surely would make the first class here cus you're the only ones I'm coming for today. I would tell the atheists to stay tuned for the next post, but something tells me they won't believe that too. So let's start with my believers. ...

I am hurt. I am grieving. Most of all, I’m scared. Who is it going to be next? Me? You? My sister? Your sister? I’m writing this with bitter urgency. I need to get this weight off my chest. Sometime ago, the Minister for Women Affairs, Dame Pauline Tallen revealed that we have over 2million rape cases occurring every year in Nigeria.  Perhaps that doesn’t slap hard until you realize that mathematically, that results in about 5,480 cases every day. EVERY DAY. Only a few – maybe 2% of this number – are reported and only fewer still make it to public limelight. Simply put, rape is any non-consensual sexual penetration.  When it boils down to the actual causes of this dastardly act, it is very easy to just point accusing fingers at the opposite sex as being the cause of rape. From late-night visitations, excessive flirtation, skimpy dresses and staying out late, some menfolk have claimed that women, by exhibiting these attributes, are the cause of their own rape....

Pre Disclaimer; This article doesn't contain anything about God, so you can read it without fear of seeing anything LIKE blasphemy. Let me repeat this, you won't see ANYTHING like blasphemy in this article. Disclaimer; When I wrote this article, I was a bit drunk. So if you read it and it makes no sense, blame it on the alcohol. Except, of course, if you read it and it makes sense. Then I was totally not drunk when I wrote it. Thanks.  Post Disclaimer; I don't have a post disclaimer. Just writing this because it looks pretty neat to have a pre disclaimer and post disclaimer. I mean, how can you have a prologue and no epilogue? Edited: Oh, wait, there's a reason I chose to write a post disclaimer. This article isn't going where you think it's going. The last paragraph will shock you. The second greatest misfortune that any man can suffer is the misfortune of an opinion. The greatest misfortune that any man can suffer is the misfortune of an unpop...

Add caption On a sunny Saturday afternoon in an American suburb, an unnamed Nigerian tried crossing the road during a walk. A white American suddenly speeds past in a Ford pickup and yells, "Go back to the jungle you're from you monkey!"... Such a racist pig, don't you think? Clap for yourself aunty/uncle swine. If you thought this post would gratify your racial tendencies, sorry to break it to you nigger. You see, it's always easy to crucify others for something. But when you're the perpetrator, your inner Marlian would be conjured and you will look away. A black man calls you nigga, and it's cool. But let a white man do it, and he's the most villainous thing to ever happen since Hitler and the "Germans". The level of double standards is absolutely shocking. It's more than just a historical vendetta between whites and blacks. There is absolutely no biological backing for the concept of race, hence it is not a scientific, but a social con...