God Questions II; Why Is God Called The Most High

Before you start this, you must know two things. The first is that this article is quite long. Unnaturally so, perhaps. The second is that you not getting my jokes— which are always pristine by the way, is as a result of your failings, and not mine. The third is that I don't really care if you're offended by my thoughts. And the fourth is that I'm not quite sure of how to count properly.

So let's get started.

One day, while doing one of the many mundane but deeply enjoyable things that humans are so fond of, I decided to put my mind to work. I'm so often mindless, so anytime I make a conscious effort to think, I try to make the best of it.

And here's what I decided to think of; Heaven.
Of course, you must have heard of it. That great place where saints go when they die. That amazing place where everyone is happy, and everything is jolly, and everyone is just in a permanent state of bliss.

Sounds like a great place, right?

Right? If you say yes, then I suppose you haven't been thinking as well as I have. Because, you see, I put a lot of thought to this. A lot more thots than even Future puts to anything. And here is what what I concluded.

First, let's imagine what heaven would be like.
Number one. What's NOT in heaven?
Food, sex, alcohol, cinemas, football, television, poetry about ANYTHING other than God, songs about ANYTHING other than God, and books (because, who are you writing it for? No one cares about your puny thoughts, mortal. Importantly, since there's no evil, the concept of conflict is dead, and what's a novel without conflict? A waste of time, that's what). The list actually goes on and on, but I'll stop here for now. I presume you have a brain, so you already get my point. And if you don't get my point by now, you most likely are lacking a brain.

What do we know IS in heaven?
Mansions (please don't tell me this is a metaphor. Please, we are all intellectuals here. None of us is in a baby class), we know that gates exist too, and we know that there are streets of gold in heaven. So what does this tell us? Heaven has mansions without beds, TV or any sort of furniture (because you cannot sleep in heaven— that would mean you get tired, which you can't be if you are in heaven). In fact, you will most likely not make use of your mansion at all, because you'll be in God's presence every minute of eternity, praising him. And as such, the gold streets will be very empty.

Are you following? Of course you are. You're an intelligent fellow. I trust you.
Even though there are streets made of gold, and there are treasurers of all kinds in heaven, it means very little. Because in heaven, hell, or earth, inflation is a force of nature, and it exists. The laws of economics don't immediately disappear because you're in heaven bro. No sir! That just doesn't happen. And since these treasures won't be scarce, they won't be worth much. This means that the most valuable resource in heaven will probably be a piece of dirt— because it will be a very scarce resource, and since it will hold sentimental value for most humans, it may just be the diamond of heaven. Yikes.
So yes, the streets of heaven are made of gold, but that's probably just as relevant as saying the streets of Lagos are made of tar. The gold may be gleaming, but that's really that about that.

If you're clever, you may have already noticed something. And yes, you're right. The concept of money won't exist in heaven in the first place. So even if you have a room filled with diamonds and gold, what do you plan on using them for? Would you eat them? No you can't, ode. So yes, they would be less than useless. Like graduates of English language for example.

Since we can't have sex, it's logical to assume that we won't have sexual organs. And if we don't have sexual organs, then no masturbation. Imagine how tough it would be for law students to avoid jacking themselves off— something they do physically and mentally every other day. I mean, what do you call watching Suits for morale boost when in your mind you know you're destined to defend one Mr Alao Akala that stole iPhone 6 S in Lagere? I mean, Ko neccesstri my dear. O need e.

Back to the matter.

So how will your body be in heaven? You won't have a penis or vagina, you won't have an asshole, and you won't have a stomach. You may have an heart (because where will Jesus live?) for aesthetics though. But your body will be shinning, so I suppose you could always spend a millennia admiring yourself in the mirror (but this is unlikely, as you'll be needed to continue praising God in the throne room).
Now, to my main point. Put on your seatbelt because it's going to get really crazy really quick.

I cannot imagine that anyone would be TRULY happy in the circumstances of heaven I just described. I mean, I would die of vexation of the spirit within three hours if I were subjected to such conditions. I guess medical students could last a week or two because they are professional suffer heads, but I would barely last a day. BARELY.

So that brings me to my conclusion.

Heaven has an atmosphere made up of cocaine dust and is supplemented by weed fumes from hell fire. That's right, hell is just where God burns his weed, and heaven is where he smokes the fumes. That's why we'll be happy and blissful in heaven. Most of us will actually be high on weed and cocaine dust. And that, dear friends, is why God is called the most high— because he's been in heaven for the longest time.

Thanks, and God bless.