SAY IT WITH YOUR CHEST

Pre Disclaimer; This article doesn't contain anything about God, so you can read it without fear of seeing anything LIKE blasphemy. Let me repeat this, you won't see ANYTHING like blasphemy in this article. Disclaimer; When I wrote this article, I was a bit drunk. So if you read it and it makes no sense, blame it on the alcohol. Except, of course, if you read it and it makes sense. Then I was totally not drunk when I wrote it. Thanks.  Post Disclaimer; I don't have a post disclaimer. Just writing this because it looks pretty neat to have a pre disclaimer and post disclaimer. I mean, how can you have a prologue and no epilogue? Edited: Oh, wait, there's a reason I chose to write a post disclaimer. This article isn't going where you think it's going. The last paragraph will shock you. The second greatest misfortune that any man can suffer is the misfortune of an opinion. The greatest misfortune that any man can suffer is the misfortune of an unpop...

Add caption On a sunny Saturday afternoon in an American suburb, an unnamed Nigerian tried crossing the road during a walk. A white American suddenly speeds past in a Ford pickup and yells, "Go back to the jungle you're from you monkey!"... Such a racist pig, don't you think? Clap for yourself aunty/uncle swine. If you thought this post would gratify your racial tendencies, sorry to break it to you nigger. You see, it's always easy to crucify others for something. But when you're the perpetrator, your inner Marlian would be conjured and you will look away. A black man calls you nigga, and it's cool. But let a white man do it, and he's the most villainous thing to ever happen since Hitler and the "Germans". The level of double standards is absolutely shocking. It's more than just a historical vendetta between whites and blacks. There is absolutely no biological backing for the concept of race, hence it is not a scientific, but a social con...

Ever since I was a child, I have heard the expression; "spare the rod and spoil the child." Teachers, parents, aunts, uncles, basically every adult that beat a child would justify their action of physically inflicting pain on children as a method of training and an expression of love. My parents on the other hand chose a much different approach. In my fairly long life I can remember being flogged by may father a total of three times and I cannot ever remember being compelled to serve corporal punishments. A lot of you reading this would be surprised, why? Because you were beaten like animals. Pardon the use of language, by no means do I think you are an animal, but truth be told, I view the "training" of a child by beating as barbaric. Many of you who were unfortunate enough to be forced into being beaten develop a Jerkyll and Hyde personality, being one thing in the presence of your oppressors (parents, teachers) and another thing in the presence of your peers. I...

Before you start this, you must know two things. The first is that this article is quite long. Unnaturally so, perhaps. The second is that you not getting my jokes— which are always pristine by the way, is as a result of your failings, and not mine. The third is that I don't really care if you're offended by my thoughts. And the fourth is that I'm not quite sure of how to count properly. So let's get started. One day, while doing one of the many mundane but deeply enjoyable things that humans are so fond of, I decided to put my mind to work. I'm so often mindless, so anytime I make a conscious effort to think, I try to make the best of it. And here's what I decided to think of; Heaven. Of course, you must have heard of it. That great place where saints go when they die. That amazing place where everyone is happy, and everything is jolly, and everyone is just in a permanent state of bliss. Sounds like a great place, right? Right? If you say yes, then I...

Dearest Reader,  As I begin to pen this down, know that in all honesty, I don't know what in the seven hells I'm going to write. A myriad of thoughts crosses my mind. This might be a long read but I'll assure you you won't be bored. Should I sympathise with you today on our issues of collective importance (you know the usual; Coronavirus, lockdown life and the sexlessness of it, invasion of webinar evangelists on our CL, neck pressers etc?). Should I aim to shock you and render with complete indifference, those ideals you so much hold dear to your heart nonsensical? Should I slander your religion and tell you of how much illogicality and irrationality it is, and how much it insults human intelligence?  Should I cuss you out for crying after your ex or if you're the type that forms and posts stuff like E shock you say i no reason you again bla bla bla, lemme burst your bubble , nobody cares ? Should I remind you of the irrelevance of some silly woke arguments...

One of you brought this up... 'Is a successful relationship one that lasted long or that was a blast for however short it lasted?' ...and it really is a food for thought. While I could argue both points and stress ideologies till they teeter on the point of delusion I'll keep it simple and sweet. A successful relationship is one that was enacted at the time it was needed by both parties, supplied the value that was required to both individuals and did not outlast it's usefulness.  This doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. Let's be honest, wayyyy too many of us are entering relationships at times that we have no business being in and cannot sufficiently nurture them. Another legion of us is entering relationships with absolutely nothing to offer than an added name to the contacts list and multiple love emojis. And the other massive third on this table is staying and holding on to relationships that no long have any use to either parties and have ...

There many ways that you want me to start this reply. But I won't! I will not fall for your temptation. You want me to tell you who I am. You want me to say you are not important. But I won't. I won't! Am not a normal person. I don't do what you expect, am war! Am Indaboski! Bahose! Am the lion himself. Who you? Where you form? Uliversity student, who form you? You are an app that has refused to close and am the control panel, am war!!! You are a Genin, challenging Uchiha Madala. Me! There is nothing like modern religion. Religion is religion and this is our way of life. You think you can use big English? Am war! Big English don't work for me. My Corona villus prediction did not fail. I said Corona villus will end first week of April, but if not for the businessmen. We have businessmen in this country. Our politicians are businessmen. It is because of them that my vision did not come to pass. Their businesses have tampered with my business with the holy spi...

So this is an irregular topic for the kind of stuff that you have been reading on this blog, but the thing is I just cut my finger while peeling yam for pounding and I could not help but revert to my keypad to rant because that is essentially what this blog is. A place where you can come and say whatever you want to say. So here's a very important thing I want to talk about. First of all, is the fact that anyone thinks that pounded yam is not the greatest swallow ever invented is annoying. However even if we were to rate any other swallow, I feel it should be starch but no. Some people feel amala is worthy to be put in the same sentence as pounded yam and I feel they should be arrested. Pounded yam takes a meticulous process to prepare and it is made from yam in it's whole form. It is not the extract of yam (flour) boiled and beaten with a stick that my mom used on me as a child. Pounded yam is made from a pestle. Now if your mom used that on you as a child (she may not exa...

Modern day religion in Nigeria is fast becoming an art, a clever mixture of theatricality and deceit. From John Cena style entrances into church, to the failed forecasting the end of COVID-19, to the COVID-19 is as a result of 5G joke, the entirety of the script is written and designed under the influence of drugs in some cases or even a personal delusion and belief in the divinity of these men of God (gods of men) in themselves. In some cases, their biggest victims are not the thousands of fools paying billions of naira, their biggest victims are they themselves, fooling themselves that they are on a path for God. I am no atheist, in fact I believe there is a God, but wherever he is, he is extremely patient or unbothered, simply waiting for us to finish our time on earth so he can throw some of these individuals into the roaring fires of hell. But until that time comes, people like me are ministers in the temple of justice, court of public opinion and you, dear reader are the judge,...

Before you start this, you must know two things. The first is that this article is quite long. Unnaturally so, perhaps. The second is that you not getting my jokes— which are always pristine by the way, is as a result of your failings, and not mine. The third is that I don't really care if you're offended by my thoughts. And the fourth is that I'm not quite sure of how to count properly.  Saying it with your chest comes with some risks. Some people may decide that they don't actually like you, what you're saying, or the chest (brezz) you're saying it with. People like that may decide to cancel you, you know. Or delete and block you. Or do any of the thousand things that people do when they are confronted with the truth these days. But the good news, oh sorry, the gospel is, none of these people are God. Only God can truly punish you— only God has the power and the presence of mind to cause irreversible damage to your life. Only God has the devastating prese...