ON FLAVOURED CONDOMS AND NIGERIAN HYPOCRISY

Hello, Hypocrite.

Or better still,

Hello, Nigerian Hypocrite.

How do you do?

You may be wondering why “Nigerian hypocrite”. Trust me, it has nothing to do with your nationality.

The thing is hypocrisy in Nigeria is different from hypocrisy in other nations. 

The same way condoms come in flavors (which I think is an absolutely ridiculous concept because why does your penile organ need to taste like apples and pineapples? Who's eating it?), is the same way Nigeria has her own flavor/brand of hypocrisy. 

Simply put, Nigerian hypocrisy is itself a hypocrite. It has many faces.

Now according to the Sweet,SixteenAndSexy Dictionary (4^th edition), a hypocrite is “someone whose actions are inconsistent with their claimed beliefs or assertions”.

Having, gotten explanations and definitions out of the way, I put it to you that YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE. Think I’m lying? Let me show you.

Imagine you have an uncle or aunty who works at the Federal Ministry of Education. After this Coronavirus shebang, your uncle calls you, telling you that Harvard University (or any other Ivy League University) has some vacant slots in your chosen course. 

This vacancy was caused by students who died from the pandemic and the University is pretty desperate to fill it up ASAP. 

The offer comes in such a way that all your tuition and living expenses are covered, you have the option to continue till M.Sc and Ph.D, plus some juicy pocket-money courtesy of the Nigerian government. 

No strings attached. All that’s required is a simple Yes or No?

If you have ever complained about nepotism/corruption in Nigeria in all your life and yet your response to this offer would still be a Yes, alaye YOU ARE A HYPOCRITE.

Now, let’s flip the switch and imagine that this offer was lowkey presented to a Senator’s son or a Governor’s daughter and was later discovered. I’m pretty sure Twitter would be agog with hashtags like #SayNoToCorruption, #OurMumuDonDo or some equally silly hashtag.

So you see, that’s how Nigerian hypocrisy operates. It assumes several forms, all of which are susceptible to change.

It’s also the same way we idolize and sing about Pablo Escobar, but shame and derail Invictus Obi. 

The way Nigerians vibe to Olamide’s “Pata ni logo Benz” as well as other songs that glorify money rituals and then turn around to castigate these same ritual killings when the gory videos surface online deserves to be studied. 

Such levels of silliness can only be rivalled by Tacha fans. 

But then, what’s my own? Am I a Yahoo Boy?

Another aspect of Nigerian hypocrisy that’s mostly overlooked is our music industry. Sometimes I laugh when I hear people sing to Mr. Eazi’s “all of my property, I give you authority”.

First things first, which property? Your over-used powerbank, your brogues or your bank account that’s in decimals? (Don’t hate me. Hate the facts). 

Secondly and more importantly, when it boils right down to it, how many of you guys are willing to sign over all your property (inheritance included) to some girl?

Exactly. Thought so too.

Finally, let me address one last aspect of this Nigerian-flavored hypocrisy. A lot of ladies today want “a hot, 6-packed, muscles popping everywhere, sexy, tall, handsome, rich (emphasis on rich) man”. Similarly lot of men want “a thick lady, rounded hips, large backside (emphasis on large), beautiful, well-mannered woman”.

But when you flip the switch on the people talking, the image you see would see would have you jogging and sprinting to racism-infested America. 

I’m not bodyshaming but how can you say you want a “muscled, chiseled” guy when you yourself have never lifted anything except your food from the plate to your mouth? Truth needs to be told!

You think Kim Kardashian’s ass fell from the sky?

She worked for it!! (and by work, I mean she worked for the money she used to buy the ass)

In the words of Jesus, “comot plank wey dey your eye fess so you fit see wella to comot tiny dot wey dey your brother eye”

I have spoken with my chest.

Ciao.